Lowest of the lowest



After being a mother of 2, this has to be my lowest moments. Sometimes I do wish I could just be in a deep sleep and not wake up to face anything.

Jonathan is like seeing the PD every other week, if not for running nose, it is for fever, then now he got eye infection. Each time he is sick, he can't attend school, it just means that I need to take leave from work. So it is like every week, I am taking a half day leave here, a day leave there. Then, I would start to wonder if I should just stop working and stay home and look after him. Yet, without a job, I couldn't provide him with the material comforts. My train of thought will wander even further and asking if material comforts are what he needs and wants.

The constant dilemma and guilt of a working mother.

Because Jon is older now, he is beginning to be more fun. He is starting to talk so it is funny how he responds to your question. I also guess because Jon is easier to take care, the husband has forgotten how tough it is to look after a baby that does not sleep through and certain nights, wakes up 2hrly. He has also forgotten that when he thinks the man of the household is to slog his life away for the family, then the wife and mother of the family is putting in doubly effort.

Does he think he can come back to a clean house because the maid knows what to do? Or does he not bother because it didn't occur to him that children need a clean and healthy environment to grow up?

Every question is thrown back with an okay. Is it really okay? If it is really okay, why am I still so tired. Frankly, I am not just physically tired, I'm mentally and emotionally tired as well.

I lost track of the days I have not come before the Father. My life is out of my control. What Hello Kitty craze and what minions craze, I don't know and I couldn't care less. I only know that my life is nothing about myself and every minute is being taken away by the children.

A few nights, I wondered why I even get married and started a family. But when I turned and looked at Matthew, I just told myself to bear for another few more years.

Maybe I should just pack my bag and go away to some place alone for a few days. Easier said than done. Can a mother ever bear to leave her children behind, especially when she knows that no one would ever provide attentive and delicate care to her broods?

Life is such..... demanding? exhausting? disappointing?





Comments

Anonymous said…
The thoughts by you are not alone...it is face by many others before u , juz that no-one had say it out loud. ;)

If you think u are having tougher time than your husband, think twice..guys just do not have it easier as u think too...and guys may just brush aside as ok but that doe not mean he dun care..guy usually keep things in his heart as he may not have solutions either.

Since you are together as family, face it together with him....whether if is good or bad times, hold hands to go tru it as a couple/family.

Whether to sacrfice material gains, it depend on yr leap of faith...Some things cant really be bought by $$$, as what you mention on time bringing yr son up..If you do not want to miss it, just have to adjust in yr lifestyle to give up some material gain and go into full time motherhood.
SOme time maybe suffering but as u look back, i am sure there is more joys than pain that will compensate for your sacrifice.
Reflect back on your needs/wants and base on yr faith in what "he" will provide the best for you as he close 1 door and open up another for you. ;)

All the best!

Les Pommes said…
Thanks for your comment. I just like to highlight one important point. Guy likes to think that when a woman voices out a question, she is looking for an answer.

Very Wrong! She is not looking for an answer. She is looking for active discussion. To make things work, all parties have to communicate and not keep things in the heart.

This is very frustrating and I do hope if you are a guy, please do not make this mistake.
Anonymous said…
Though understand your point for discussion more than a solution, but just like management meeting always end up wasting lots of time in the end no conclusion and end up at same point....
Hence i believe most man choose to keep quiet than spend time not moving forward or end up disagreement etc...
Different point of perspective that I am sure your hubby prefer harmonious family. ;)
Always note intention is for the whole family and not bear grudges or frustration and work things out in best positive way for your family. :)