Contemplating

I wonder if there is such a thing as delayed post natal depression. For the past week, I found myself sinking low again. It was like reliving the post partum 1st month again when emo monster took over control of everything.

Jonathan usual sleeping habit at 10.30pm, followed by a feed at 3.30am and slept till 8am was interrupted by his recently vacinnation jab. For 3 nights already, he was waking up so frequently that I found myself getting interrupted sleep every hour at night. It was tortuous.

For the past 2-3 months, the thought of quitting my job surfaced. It was especially more felt during this period that Jonathan entered teething phrase and slowly weaning into semi solid. I felt that I had no energy left after a day of work. All I wished when I got home is that he just be good, drink his milk and go sleep so I could rest too. I don't feel that I am staying current with the news just because I'm in the work force. I am not doing the things that I dream of doing with him and for him.

Plus work is getting resentful to me. I am highly irritable when I reach home and I snap more often at the poor little baby. Some of the nights, I just put him on my bed while I doze off besides him. There's no more interactive play or reading which Jonathan enjoyed with me. Now it was all "What do you want?" "Cry Cry Cry... all you know is to cry!"

When he settled down again, I would feel so terrible. It is such a vicious cycle.

Really set me thinking... what matters most at this stage.

Is my own sense of financial security hinder me from enjoying motherhood? Can we actually survive on a single income? Or should I just throw in the letter and put my faith in Him who will provide?

I feel helpless. I feel terrible. I feel worst when Jonathan cries and I snap at him.

There are many strong moments that I feel the urge to just type my resignation letter and hand in tomorrow. I just don't want to whiz past Jonathan's baby year in a blur. I know I cannot always be there with him but I want to be there for him. Yet, I am not even comforting him when he cries. Instead, I get angry and Darren has to step in. Babies are smart. Jonathan now wants his daddy more than me, cos mummy is always angry at him. It breaks my heart but at that moment, I always lose my cool.

I really hope I can sort out all my negativity soon so the poor little baby will feel secure again with his mummy. He must be feeling very sad because all he gets from his mummy now is the negative vibes.

I really need a break.