the Inner fear
Things are not rosy all the times. Just on Sat night, I had a huge fight with the boyfriend.
The issue is still the same. The feelings are the same. The thoughts are the same.
Boyfriend cannot understand why it is so hard for me to open up. He cannot understand what I'm so fearful of. He has come to this point that he felt that there's nothing more he can do. He has done his utmost best to alleviate the issue but it just keep coming back to haunt us.
I gave him a dozen reasons but truly deep inside, I know these are not the real reasons.
There's just something inside me that just kept wanting to shut people out. I don't know if you can label me as reserved. But it becomes a habit for me, to shut my mouth once I reach home. I don't engage in small talk with family members unless it is something I think is worth commenting. I don't open my mouth in the morning when I wake up, not for the 1st hour of waking up.
And everyone has a past. My past is something I have not let go completely. Sure, I have prayed about my past, give it all unto God. Let Him do the healing and restore the peace. But I don't know why, there's just something I cannot let go.
The shame, the fear, the inferior complex.
My God has answered me and told me very clearly what I need to do. I have to confess not all the times, I am mindful of my actions and thoughts. I will slip into the darkness and look to my own strength for salvation. Clearly, my efforts are futile.
Sometimes, I recite bible verses consciously to remind myself who is in control. Sometimes, when I slip too far, He admonishes me gently in daily devotions.
This inner fight, this tug-of-war, is really between me and God. The day when I stop struggling on my own, will be the day when God reveals His revelation to me.
The issue is still the same. The feelings are the same. The thoughts are the same.
Boyfriend cannot understand why it is so hard for me to open up. He cannot understand what I'm so fearful of. He has come to this point that he felt that there's nothing more he can do. He has done his utmost best to alleviate the issue but it just keep coming back to haunt us.
I gave him a dozen reasons but truly deep inside, I know these are not the real reasons.
There's just something inside me that just kept wanting to shut people out. I don't know if you can label me as reserved. But it becomes a habit for me, to shut my mouth once I reach home. I don't engage in small talk with family members unless it is something I think is worth commenting. I don't open my mouth in the morning when I wake up, not for the 1st hour of waking up.
And everyone has a past. My past is something I have not let go completely. Sure, I have prayed about my past, give it all unto God. Let Him do the healing and restore the peace. But I don't know why, there's just something I cannot let go.
The shame, the fear, the inferior complex.
My God has answered me and told me very clearly what I need to do. I have to confess not all the times, I am mindful of my actions and thoughts. I will slip into the darkness and look to my own strength for salvation. Clearly, my efforts are futile.
Sometimes, I recite bible verses consciously to remind myself who is in control. Sometimes, when I slip too far, He admonishes me gently in daily devotions.
This inner fight, this tug-of-war, is really between me and God. The day when I stop struggling on my own, will be the day when God reveals His revelation to me.
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